Receptive

"How 

Did the rose

Ever open its heart

And give to this world

All its

Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light

Against its

Being. 

Otherwise,

We all remain

Too

Frightened. "

-Hafiz

The last few days I have had a larger uprising of emotional pains and fears. As the first appointment with my specialist comes it is bringing more to the surface. For which I am grateful. I find myself needing to slow down in all areas of life and spend more time breathing and just rest in a presence of being. Letting my thoughts settle and just experience the felt sensations within my body and spirit. I find myself speaking quieter and gentler. Focusing more on my connection to the ground with each precious step. The moments seem sweeter and more painful all at once if I don't stay present with the love I feel while snuggling Eliza in bed all night. Breathing the smell of the top of her precious head. Holding Sams hand all night while he so peacefully sleeps. Or my foot and Zachs foot tangled together all night sharing and gathering warmth. Everything feels so right, exactly as it should be, and so terrifying at the same time. That these moments could be gone forever. The next few months have so many unknowns and new experiences. I want to treasure it all. Be present with it all and receive what is being given to me. 

Many family and friends have prayed and spoken with me in such beautiful ways. I see the goodness of their hearts and longings. People are so good. I am seeing more easily beyond the faults and brokenness of humanity, and viewing the soul essence and goodness. We are beings of light. 

As I contemplate all the heartfelt prayers and help I have been offered, I feel that a large part of the quality of nmy experience will be determined by if I am open, yielding, receptive. God, the universe is offering and freely giving me blessings and bestowing such goodness, peace, light, love and revelation upon me I just need to remain open and receptive to receive all that is being bestowed. I thoroughly believe this cancer experience is simply an opportunity to receive more from the divine. To uncover and liberate more of my soul and its divinity. 

Being open can be tricky because often times our first inclination is to tighten, close off, hide and run when discomfort and change come knocking. I am opening because I can feel the warmth of the divined light around me, calling me forward saying this is the way to freedom and peace. So I am trusting. I am opening. I am receptive just like an empty bowl. 

Zach has made me a few ceramic bowls that I cherish. I have not put anything inside them but have simply placed them around the house, empty, to remind me to stay open and ready to receive what God is offering. 

The grace and blessing of God is always around and within us. We just need to be brave, be vulnerable and open to the grace and blessing raining down all around. 

"Grace is always raining down on us, but we have to learn to cup our hand and catch drops, or we will go thirsty."

Krishna Das

Relationships are a Mirror, that reveal our relationship with ourself

While studying and meditating this morning I was thinking about how "our relationships with others, brings up our relationships with ourselves." 

I was thinking of the times when as a wife or mother or human being I begin to feel frustration, dread, disgust, out of control, resistant and annoyed at how life is going (because of others actions initially), and then the root of my suffering is stemming from a feeling that I may not be doing life "right". Self blame for others conditions and choices. I may feel like I am by a good wife. I am failing and not loving enough. Or that as a mom I am not as patient or attentive as I desire. And then when my disgust comes out at my little humans it is really a reaction to my views and relationship with myself. Immediately upon this reflection I had the inner knowing come up that basically said ...

"Kylie you are doing life "right" by continually returning to loving presence." 

"This presence is your home. Your center. Your true essence. It is me and all the holy beings who have amended." 

I desire to be more intentional and aware of how the treatment of other beings, is merely a reflection of the treatment of myself. 

I desire to have an attitude of unconditional, loving, compassionate, forgiving kindness for myself and all beings. 

I desire to living within the inner wells of flowing kindness and wellbeing. I desire to always return to love. 

"It dawned on me that those people triggered me because they mirrored parts of me that I don’t love, and by loving my triggers , I become more compassionate towards myself."

"I have to make peace with the idea that I cannot control how others see me; ultimately, I am only responsible for my perceptions and judgments, which I, invariably, project onto others. Why should they, or I, for that matter, suffer because of my unwillingness to face, and hold myself in lovingkindness? So, May I be Safe, May I be Healthy, May I be happy, May I be peaceful, and Live with ease."